I’m 38 years old as I write this. 38 years. Over 13,870 days. I’m still young and yet old…and on so many occasions I have thought how sweet it would be to simply not exist.

No more pain. No more struggle. No more failing. No feelings.

More times than I’m eager to admit I’ve wished I was never born.

So what am I still doing here? Why do I still slog through this swamp of despair – continuously failing, being failed, suffering, struggling, feeling?

I don’t know where you are today. Maybe today is a good day. Maybe today is just another day…or maybe today is a bad, horrible, ugly, no-good day…and maybe it’s been that way for a week, a month, a year, a lifetime.

I don’t have a complete answer to why I keep fighting – or why you can. I have a lot of reasons – some more unassailable than others. Some that have felt strong in the moment and ridiculous thereafter. I also have a number of methods – most don’t offer a reason, only (perhaps) enough hope for the moment to carry on.

I want to share with you why/how I continue to fight, and I hope you will find reasons to fight as well. I’d also love to hear how you fight. What gives you the strength to be here today, because maybe that will be my reason tomorrow.

I’ve already rambled on – so today I’ll offer a single, lame reason: so you can learn how this mess (me) has managed to stay alive thus far.